Season 4 – Weeks 12, 13 and 14 – Catch up with Gerhard!

  • Duration: 19th Nov – 25th Nov (Week 12), 26th – 3rd Dec (Week 13) and 4th Dec – 9th Dec 2509 (Week 14)
  • Competition(s): Open Scramble 2509/2510
  • Season: 2509/10 Season

21 days! Bloody hell it has been a while. Since the press room cannot organise a simple summary, the HDWSBBL management have asked me, the wonderful Gerhard, to try and summarise the last 3 weeks of the season covering all 8 games that have taken place. Well I’ll be buggered if I am going to have to work hard over my Christmas break so this may not be the traditional summary you are used to!

I think the best (read quickest) way of tackling this is to take a look at the Divisions as they stand.

North Division

The last time people looked at the standings of North Division, the Deadheads and the Corsairs where fighting neck and neck to determine the Champion for the Division (the last champion to be determined I should point out). As it currently stands the Corsairs and Deadheads are neck and neck at the top. Both have only one game remaining and that is against the Wee Tree Fellows. Frankly, both teams are going to come out with a win in these games so it is going to go down to Touchdown difference, resulting in the Corsairs taking the number one spot (as I predicted) unless the Deadheads manage to break the laws of physics and score over 9 Touchdowns in their upcoming victory (or of course, the Corsairs could lose….nah, I don’t think that is going to happen).

Speaking of the resident “Pro” Elves of the League, WTF have discovered that they are actually good at something (aside from losing). Over the last few games, their Thrower Hamish has been throwing the ball around like any lucky Elf and has managed to break the Rangers (recently) set record for “Most Completions in a game by a single player” (The league loves long titles for its awards doesn’t it!). Now, personally I am glad that the record was taken from the Rangers but I was hoping that a non-Elf team would take it. Never the less WTF are currently the best passing team of the season having set the record while suffering one of the biggest losses in their history (and they say Nuffle has no sense of Humour!). Yes that’s right, the Slammers managed to defeat WTF 6-3 in an admittedly impressive game. I was hoping that someone would have killed the furry turds by now but I don’t always get what I want (ps Slammers, still waiting for that assassin).

The Shadows also saw action against the Corsairs. It appears as though the Shadows first league win went straight to their head as the Corsairs managed to run home 3 Touchdowns without breaking a sweat! Nevermind JoJo. You still have the shield to look forward to, most of the Elf Teams won’t be in it (as unlike you, they won their matches!).

South Division

South Division has known its “champions” for some time. The Rangers *Spit* just won’t shut up about how they have gone through the entire season to date without suffering a single loss. I watched their game against the Flesh Grinders last week (I was hoping to see some dead Elves) and it looks like they have been partying too hard as they only managed to score three Touchdowns. This of course comes off the back of the Rangers near miss against the Cleavers who came within moments of defeating the Rangers (what a great moment that would have been).

The Grinders where hoping to stay in second place and qualify for the Championship IV but with their loss to the Rangers, and their loss to the Predators the week before, the chance slipped away from them and they have the Slammer shield to look forward too. I am a bit gutted about his because I had a small bet on them. Never mind, maybe they can track down the Slammers and finish them once and for all.

The team that ended up finishing in second place was the Midgit Dinos themselves. After pulling themselves together and exercising their puny bodies, they managed to get a little winning streak going. This was topped this week when they defeated the Orcland Cleavers in a tense match. Anybody watching the game thought the Cleavers had it in the bag but somehow Barny and company managed to steal the ball from them and score twice. Having faced two Orc teams in their Division, the Predators are hoping that they have finished with the Greenskins for now. Unfortunately for them their tiny Dino brains must have forgotten that they are lined up to play the Beaumont Blitzers in the next round of the Pepslay. I will be watching that one closely.

As for the Cleavers, this loss means the Cleavers are fighting to avoid 5th place and now have to fight to qualify for the Shield. They will go up against the Bile Blitzers to determine who was the worst team of Division.

East Division

East Division has been very quiet recently. With Atrocity Exhibition dominating from early on, the fight appears to have left the other teams. The only match played recently was the Beaumont Blitzers taking on the Jackels. The Jackels have been improving slowley over the past few weeks and held the Blitzers up a number of times. Ultimately though the “mean green fighting machine” scored a Touchdown to take the win.

This places the Blitzers on equal points with the Reavers, however the Reavers still have one more game to play. For them to slip into third place, they would have to lose 10 – nil to Atrocity which I don’t think will happen to these former championship contenders.

West Division

Last but not least we have West Division. A lot of noise was made a few weeks back about the game between the Vixen’s and RSV. With the outcome of the match determining the final standings of the Division, the match quickly sold out. As thousands of fans crammed into the stadium (including this ex head coach) to see RSV perform an amazing comeback, the inevitable happened and Velocity chocked! Yep, they had everything going for them, they have two of the best catchers in the league, they were celebrating 30 games in the HDWSBBL and they managed to decapitate a Vixen in the opening seconds but yet they still couldn’t beat a bunch of girls. It would not have happened if I was still the Head Coach. As much as I admire Velocities lead thrower Hetfielder, I would have skinned him alive for failing to pick up the ball that many times. I don’t know how many times I have to repeat this to them but no matter how pert the vixen’s ass checks are, keep your eyes on the ball and not on the vixen’s.

Of course, as I sadly predicted, the Vixen’s are now West Division champions and will face Atrocity in the traditional North vs South, East vs West league semi-finals in a few weeks. There are still two games to be played in the division, both against the Ruskin Arms Bar Flys. Rumour has it that the Bar Flys have retired from the league. I am still attempting to get confirmation of this but if it turns out to be true it will be a shame (Gerhard actually likes a team, what a shock).


I think that covers all the action over the last few weeks. I now need to go and track down the reporters who are actually paid to write the summary and extract some cash from them for doing their job. This week, the second round of the Pepslay Challenge is due to take place. Most of the teams will be in action.

Oh, and if you think you have gotten rid of me for now then you are about to be disappointed as I have just been informed that I have to write something up about the Pepslay Second round. You just cannot get the staff these days!


Quick Summary of Weeks 12, 13 and 14

  • 2 games in North Division – Open Scramble 2509/2510
  • 4 games in South Division – Open Scramble 2509/2510
  • 1 game in East Division – Open Scramble 2509/2510
  • 1 game in West Division – Open Scramble 2509/2510
  • 34 Touchdowns scored
  • 18 Casualties caused (3 resulted in Death)
  • 37 Completions made
  • 1 Interception made
  • 41,000 fans was the highest recorded attendance. A new all time record for non-semi/non-final attendance!

Match Results for Weeks 12,13 and 14

(numbers in brackets are the casualties caused by each team)

Open Scramble 2509/2510 – North Division

Open Scramble 2509/2510 – South Division

Open Scramble 2509/2510 – East Division

Open Scramble 2509/2510 – West Division

Obituaries for the Period

  • Swanhilder (Linesman for Valhallen Vixen’s): Her face was crushed as the opening whistle blew. The Apothecary was still unpacking his things at the time and didn’t stand a chance of saving her!
  • Luke Fenner (Zombie for The Innsmouth Shadows): Killed by a scary looking blitzer with spikes!
  • Scetto (Gutter Runner for Tail Slammers): Killed by an Elf. Shocking really how an elf could kill someone.

League Standings for the Open Scramble 2509/2510 (as of Week 14)

North Division

Karond Kar Corsairs 7 4 2 1 18 6 12 11 7 4 14
Drackwald Deadheads 7 4 2 1 12 8 4 10 11 -1 14
Furry Turds 8 3 2 3 17 19 -2 15 19 -4 11
Pro Elves 6 1 3 2 13 16 -3 4 11 -7 6
The Innsmouth Shadows 8 1 1 6 9 20 -11 20 12 8 4

South Division

Egos Inc 8 8 0 0 36 9 27 6 11 -5 24
Midget Dinos 8 4 1 3 18 16 2 5 5 0 13
Flash Grinders 8 3 1 4 10 16 -6 6 2 4 10
Cleavers 7 1 1 5 7 15 -8 6 4 2 4
Insert Soap here 7 1 1 5 4 19 -15 9 10 -1 4

East Division

Atrocity Exhibition 5 5 0 0 12 2 10 13 9 4 15
Mc Cauligh Reavers 5 3 0 2 10 5 5 5 11 -6 9
Beaumont Blitzers 6 3 0 3 8 13 -5 14 6 8 9
The Tutsbone Jackles 6 0 0 6 1 11 -10 5 11 -6 0

West Division

Destroyers of dreams 6 4 1 1 16 9 7 8 10 -2 13
Really Should-have-been Victorious 5 2 1 2 13 10 3 6 4 2 7
Dum and Dummer 5 1 2 2 8 10 -2 11 6 5 5
Ruskin Arms Bar Flys 4 1 0 3 4 12 -8 1 6 -5 3

Player Statistics for the Open Scramble 2509/2510 (Week 14)

Too many Bloody Elves in the top lists

Best Players

# Player Position Team Value
1 An Elf Catcher The Loren Rangers 46
2 Viktor Runner Valhallen Vixen’s 41
3 Another Elf Catcher The Loren Rangers 35
4 Fredrick “The best Human” Roeder Catcher Ragnars Swift Velocity 33
5 T’Yrong “I need a second name” Blitzer Grappler Flesh Grinders 31
6 Yet another Bloody Elf Thrower The Loren Rangers 29
7 Furry Turd on legs Gutter Runner Tail Slammers 27
8 T’ong “I also need a second name” Thrower Grappler Flesh Grinders 25
Rotter or something Rotter The Bile Blitzers 25
10 A twisted Elf, but sill and Elf Blitzer Karond Kar Corsairs 24

Top Scorers

# Player Position Team Value
1 Caneran Everlong Catcher The Loren Rangers 15
2 Viktor Runner Valhallen Vixen’s 12
3 Fredrick Roeder Catcher Ragnars Swift Velocity 11
4 Elesser Everlong Catcher The Loren Rangers 8
5 Ashinan Wyrmbane Blitzer Karond Kar Corsairs 7
Arcani Spark Gutter Runner Tail Slammers 7
7 Valdrek Bloodgate Blitzer Karond Kar Corsairs 6
Elison Crownstar Catcher The Loren Rangers 6
9 Bruce Cruel-Lobber Ghoul Drackwald Deadheads 5
Bodgeit ‘n’ Scarper Goblin Beaumont Blitzers 5

Most Vicious

# Player Position Team Value
1 Eleeazar Smith Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 6
Lashiform Rat Ogre Tail Slammers 6
3 Grim Bob Ogre The Man Eaters 5
4 Varkon Darkblade Blitzer Karond Kar Corsairs 4
T’Yrong Blitzer Grappler Flesh Grinders 4
Briel Fester Mummie Atrocity Exhibition 4
Erza Wheedon Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 4
8 Captain Whipple Wight The Innsmouth Shadows 3
Joeseph Kluger Linesman Ragnars Swift Velocity 3
Gariad Blitzer Tail Slammers 3

Top Passers

# Player Position Team Value
1 Erison Youngwhite Thrower The Loren Rangers 29
2 (03) Hamish ‘The Hammer’ Thrower We Tree Fellows 20
3 T’ong Thrower Grappler Flesh Grinders 15
4 Doomvenon Rotter The Bile Blitzers 13
5 Rulg Ear-Hacker Thrower Orcland Cleavers 12
6 James Hetfielder Thrower Ragnars Swift Velocity 9
7 Shadow Thrower Tail Slammers 8
8 Erika Thrower Valhallen Vixen’s 7
9 Chuk ‘the Rock’ Lobba Thrower Beaumont Blitzers 6
Remi Flesh Thrower Tail Slammers 6

Top Interceptors

# Player Position Team Value
1 Trog Linesman Grappler Flesh Grinders 2
2 Carter Zombie The Innsmouth Shadows 1

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