Gerhard: Crash and burn, a look back at RSV

Oh Yes, citizens of the old world rejoice because I am back. It has been far too long since I have let my voice be heard around here. Since the end of the season I have been sunning it up in Lustria hunting tiny Dinosaurs to put on my mantle. I got a good haul and hopefully I managed to get one or two of the Preadators players, wives or similar.

Anyway, it has recently been announced the RSV have disbanded while their future is assessed. I thought it fitting that I, a totally impartial witness to their story, should give them the send off they deserve.

Once upon a time when I still had colour in my hair and I didn’t hate Elves as much, the traitorous bastards RSV where formed by myself and introduced to the HDWSBBL. Of course, my involvement with the team goes way further back then that and is documented elsewhere. Their first season in the league was glorious, apart from a minor speed bump we managed to lay waste to everyone else and where crowned the inaugural HDWSBBL Champions.

From there on we went from strength to strength and took on all comers. I was praised from all corners of the world and all was happy. At some point though that changed. The RSV fans (who are not the most educated lot at the best of times) decided that I was too old to run the team and where dissatisfied with a lack of new Championship Cups on display (despite the fact we had more Cups then most of the teams in the HDWSBBL at the time, not to mention records all over the place).

I challenged the team that if they didn’t win anything in our third season, I would fire the lot of them (I got my motivational skills from an Orc Coach I knew once; he had a habit of feeding his teams to trolls as an incentive not to lose). To cut to the point, we managed to break several records that season but came home with no new Championship Cups. The “management” decided that I was too unpredictable and decided to fire me instead of punishing the useless overpaid stars on the team.

That was their biggest mistake. As much as I like their current coach Snider (I did after all scout him when he was a young man) the team could just not cut it. Despite my frequent attempts at giving them helpful suggestions they plummeted into a downward spiral from which they never recovered. As last season progressed their fan base grew smaller and angrier as the losses began to pile up. The team had so much talent but could not pull it together.

As we all know by now the teams last match was a defeat by the Tail Slammers who we had defeated 7-1 only a season earlier (which I was the coach for). As the final moments of the clock ran down, the remaining fans finally snapped and stormed the pitch, trashing the stadium, the players and generally being loudmouthed sods (not much different from normal then). Both teams where “lucky” to make it out alive. It is typical though, even the fans couldn’t kill a single bloody Rat (although to be fair, I would not want to touch one of them with a barge pole. Imagine the diseases you would catch). RSV have not reported any fatalities from the incident but I can imagine they where a bit sore for a few weeks afterwards.

I hope that if the team ever decides to re-form, they try to remember who their greatest Head coach was. I must admit to feeling a little smug about the whole situation. I guess the sales of my patent pending “What would Gerhard do?” bracelets and t-shirts will sky rocket (available at all good outlets. If they don’t have them for sale, let me know so I can have a “friendly” word with the manager). For one thing it did lead to my current job which allows the whole league and beyond to learn the lesson that Gerhard always knows best.

So goodbye you useless sods. I am sure that I will see you again sometime (probably in Hell). I hope someone regrets firing me. I can guarantee that if I was still in charge this would never have happened.

RIP RSV: 2506 – 2610



  1. i am glad to see them go that one set of smelly teams gone, and to annoy gerhard i will be sticking around after the slammers have gone after this season, because a new team has offered me the head coach placement on there team, something bout the last one was usless and was fed to the big guys.

    1. You calling RSV smelly? Pot…Kettle, hello?

      DId I read that last part right? Your diseased smelly little bunch of Rats are leaving us at the end of this upcoming season? Thats some good news at least. I hope the rest of the league joins me in attempting to fill as many body bags as possible to make the teams leaving journey as light as possible!

  2. we dont smell we cant smell any smell coming from us just every other team, yes the slammers time is up after this season, the new team has some more furry ones in it but a bit more hard hiting then the tail slammers.

  3. didnt think of that mayb it “gerhard we gonna get ya” but it aint thats used by to many teams in the league and the world infact it lacks originality

  4. In this new age slag I would like to make this statement to that comment…. “FACEPALM”
    You do know you Rats will never beat the wit of Rockstein, belive me I have tried. The thing is he has way too much time on his hand. Therefore his retorts are very well thought out.
    I am also interested in why you announced your retirement before the season has begun? Predicting some terrible results are we?

  5. no iv had a better offer to coach a different team next season, yes it may be via a very nasty death if i didnt accept but hey i like my life, and the seer council are having trouble finding any one who is stupid enough to take on the team next season.
    And can i just say your an elf i wouldnt say slagging comes natural to your kind but i dont know wat im talking bout im a skaven who can actuly read and wright.

Join the Conversation

Your email address will not be published.