Gerhard: Dear Rangers, don’t ever come back

When the dawn breaks through the bedroom window after a nightmare filled sleepless night you feel elated that the trouble is over and a new day can start. I feel that way today with the confirmation of the wonderful fact;

THE LOREN RANGERS HAVE LEFT THE HDWSBBL!!

Thank Nuffle. For 5 years they have tormented me with their flashy plays, their showboating on the pitch and fact they just appear to win everything possible in the league.

The League has never seen anything like them and possibly never will again. Since the moment they stepped out onto a pitch at the start of the 2506/07 Season the world at large knew something was different about this team. Yes, all Wood Elf teams are cocky, look like pussies and have homosexual tendencies but the Rangers could back up the cockiness with raw ability, something that drove me and the other coaches in that season (Hi Havlock) to despair (I won’t go into detail with the other two traits).

Since then they have managed to rub championship win after championship win into my wounds almost driving me to a mental breakdown (long time fans will recall that I had to be restrained from donning a RSV uniform and stomping out onto the pitch during an encounter in 2508). They have made grown men (and equivalents from other races) shed buckets of tears of rage and frustration with their antics.

Week after week, season after season we have seen them smash league records and fill out the top players list despite the best efforts of the leagues other competitors. Like watching a hungry Troll walk into an orphanage, you know the outcome is going to be ugly and make you sick but you cannot turn your eyes away from the unfolding spectacle due to some perverse pleasure. There is absolutely nothing you can do apart from pray to any god that is listening to stop the horror (or give you a bloody big gun).

But now the league can rest easy. The most celebrated team the HDWSBBL has ever seen (in terms of records, wins and ego – The Corsairs still beat them on number of Championships won) has now left us. New stars can rise to the top and be celebrated for the heroes that they are without always living in the Rangers shadow (unless they are Elves, in which case they can also fuck off).

Now is the time for the new (and few existing teams) to rise to the challenge and make a name for themselves. The path to Championship Super Bowl glory is clear. If history has taught us anything it’s that you don’t have to be the best team to win something (*cough* Tail Slammers *cough*) but you do have to be a determined, ruthless bunch or murdering bastards (back in the day ALL Blood bowl teams used to be like that – I blame the parents of these modern players for introducing concepts such as fair play and honour).

However I feel part of me is now missing. Just like flowers need both the rain and the sun, I need a team such as the Rangers to stir up the burning hatred inside me that makes me the popular man I am.

Like the aftermath from a bad relationship, I am never sure if I will be able to feel this much hatred towards a team ever again. Until we have a team that comes even close to the Rangers abilities I guess I will be a shadow of my former self. I don’t even have the turd on legs, the Little Dinos or the Manhunters to attack.

But don’t shed a tear for poor old Gerhard just yet; I am sure one of the new teams will wind me up within a week. I can already see some new Wood Elves and Skaven lining up…

So long Loren Rangers, may you burn in hell for eternity.

-Gerhard

Editors Note: As always, the above opinions are that of Gerhard and may not reflect the opinions of the HDWSBBL as a whole.
We did ask Gerhard if he wanted to write about any of the other departing teams this season but he declined. He did offer some brief comments which we have included below:

  • Middenhein Manhunters – I have already said goodbye once and I am not doing that again. They will be back anyway when their owner needs some more cash to finance his prostitute addiction.
  • Tail Slammers – I am not going to waste any words on those furry turds on legs. I get reminded of them every time I take a shit.
  • Teotigua Predators – I am not finished with them yet…

3 comments

  1. Don’t worry Gerhard, it’s good that you hate all teams equally (except RSV) it shows balance in your life.

    Keep up with the therapy!!

  2. …and yet not a word said about the Shadows.

    I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. I am looking forward to reporting on the OWC East though, four hard as nails teams kicking lumps out of each other, just like bloodbowl used to be.

    Lovely.

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