Season 8 – Week 2 – Death, Kill, Maim!

Hello and welcome back to “Hack of the Day”,

We have a bumper crop of broken bones, smashed faces and cartilage crunching tackles from our 7 matches which were played.  Alongside me is Handsome Alan again to discuss all this weeks carnage.

Let’s begin at the Cybertron Stadium where the All Sparks took on the Asgard Marauders.  How’d you see this one Alan?

Good evenin’ Deds; well what a start to this week! We all knew this one was going to be fast and furious but we thought tha’ was just the players!  We never expected nuthin’ short of 7 casualties.  The Norse got in first smashing hands, breakin’ jaws, and dislocating spinal discs on those rats.  The skaven player was bent at right angles with his bones clearly visible under his skin.  Top class blocking from the fur clothed norse bu’ that just annoyed the All Sparks as they gouged eyes, broke arms and concussed the Marauders in return.  In summary it was pandermonium! A fantastic match to watch.  Top it off and the Norse found time to score 2 touchdowns. You know Deds in my opinion there is nothing better than rat splatting though seeing bearded men writhing in agony is also wonderful. 

Our next game looks at the Slann of the Teotigua Flying Frogs taking on the Riverside Rainbows.  Was this the easy win we expected for the Frogs?

Awww Deds this one had it all.  Flying Frogs? More like Flying Halflings.  It started from the kickoff when the Frogs blitzed there own kick causing a crisis in the  ‘Fling back field.  This prompted a Treeman to launch a ‘Fling at the ball which was surrounded by players.  No surprise that he plummeted into another short arse, missed his footing and planted his head into the turf.  That’d been ok if  his body hadda stopped with his head but the momentum of the toss snapped the poor lads neck.  I still can see his body flopping back and forth hitting the turf repeatedly on both sides of his head.  Of course i’ didn’t end there as another one of the Rainbows tripped over his own laces, broke his nose and impaled his own brain.  If you going to go out do it in style! 

Wow sounds like the Rainbows were falling all over the field.

Aye you’re not wrong Deds.  Even Puggy Baconbreath tried to get amongst the action only to trip over a froggy foot and smash his hip, straight off to his medical team.  I’ve never seen such an expression of pain on a star player but he is getting on a bit ol’ Puggy.   To be honest it was a shame it was all of the injuries were of  the ‘Flings own doing.  The only true injury casued by an opposition player was when a little man ran an’ body splashed a Frog breaking the amphibian collar bone.  The replay shows how perfect elbow dropping technique caused the bone to rip through the skin, it was great! Brilliant match.  I didn’t see the score but with that much damage going on who cares. 

Well that takes us swiftly to the KS Field where the Nordringen Titans faced off against Biohazard DX.   Neither team had a great 1st week so who took advantage in this one?

Let’s get it right from the start the score may ‘ave said Biohazard won 2-0 but this game was all abou’ destroying the dirt.  A “Titanic” performance from the humans as they removed 3 opponents to the injury list.  A classy performance all over however one thing I found disgustin’ this match was the regeneration on the Biohazard team.  So unsporting.  However, this didn’t dampen the players spirits as they saved the best til last though as Matt Hasselbank ran and grabbed the throat of Thunderbolt Tango only for the Rotters head and spine to be removed from his body.  A double death;  you just can’t buy that sort of aggression.  The rotter’s eyes were still blinking and mouth still moving until he realised he was dead!

Any other good injuries this week Alan?

Oh definitely.  We’d be amiss if we didn’t mention the KK Oblivion‘s Xanath Xantath who drove his spiked glove right into Artax Cutruler’s face smashing his skull and dropping him like a boneless fish.  There’ll be no open coffin for him.  The Sect an’ Tobacconists also put out 5 players but nothing too serious.  The best bit of that game was the minotaur intercepting Bertha Bigfist an’ not in the usual way.  Bu’ to finish it off, the match we thought would bring many a walloped player Tlaqua Spacehoppers vs Gog Magog Gladiators didn’t really live up to it’s billing.  Oh there were plenty of fractured frogs legs, groin strains and badly dazed players but no deaths or permenant injuries! Shockin.  Absolutely shockin.  I had a quick word with the captain after the game and even a snotling agreed it was poor. They’ll have to up their game.

Well that is it, thanks for joining us of “Hack of the Day”.  4 deaths, 9 serious injuries, 12 broken bones, bruised ribs and dead legs.  25 injuries in total.  Can it get any better?  See you next week.  From me Dedsmen Linearm. Goodnight.

Quick Summary of Week 2

  • 2 games in NWC North – World Series 2513/14
  • 2 games in NWC South – World Series 2513/14
  • 2 games in OWC East – World Series 2513/14
  • 2 games in OWC West – World Series 2513/14
  • 20 Touchdowns scored
  • 26 Casualties caused (5 resulted in Death)
  • 14 Completions made
  • 1 Interception made
  • 24,000 fans was the highest recorded attendance.

Match Results for Week 2

(numbers in brackets are the casualties caused by each team)

World Series 2513/14 – NWC North

World Series 2513/14 – NWC South

World Series 2513/14 – OWC East

World Series 2513/14 – OWC West

Obituaries for Week 2

League Standings for the World Series 2513/14 (Week 2)

NWC North

Team Pld W D L TF TA TD CF CA CD PTS
Talos Tobacconists 2 1 0 1 4 2 2 4 4 0 3
Jimps and Perps 1 1 0 0 2 1 1 0 0 0 3
Sect of Temptation 1 1 0 0 2 1 1 2 3 -1 3
Biohazard DX 2 1 0 1 3 2 1 0 4 -4 3
Nordenringen Titans 2 0 0 2 0 5 -5 6 1 5 0

NWC South

Team Pld W D L TF TA TD CF CA CD PTS
Karond Kar Oblivion 2 1 1 0 4 2 2 7 0 7 4
Arcani\’s All Sparks 2 1 0 1 4 4 0 6 6 0 3
The Asgard Marauders 2 1 0 1 2 3 -1 4 8 -4 3
Har Ganeth Heartbreakers 2 0 1 1 4 5 -1 2 5 -3 1

OWC East

Team Pld W D L TF TA TD CF CA CD PTS
Teotigua Flying Frogs 2 2 0 0 5 0 5 2 1 1 6
Drakwald Defilers 2 2 0 0 5 0 5 1 2 -1 6
Slaaneshi Big Society 1 0 0 1 0 3 -3 2 1 1 0
The Riverside Rainbows 1 0 0 1 0 3 -3 0 0 0 0
The Wild Brunch 2 0 0 2 0 4 -4 1 2 -1 0

OWC West

Team Pld W D L TF TA TD CF CA CD PTS
Waterbowl Wanderers 1 1 0 0 3 0 3 1 1 0 3
Nachthaften Nightlords 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 2 2 0 3
The Tlaqua Spacehoppers 2 0 1 1 0 1 -1 3 7 -4 1
Gog Magog Gladiators 2 0 1 1 0 3 -3 6 2 4 1

Player Statistics for the World Series 2513/14 (Week 2)

Best Players

# Player Position Team Value
1 Richmond Beastman Talos Tobacconists 11
Grelth Hulgior Runner Karond Kar Oblivion 11
3 Laufey Linesman The Asgard Marauders 10
4 Pall Mall Beastman Talos Tobacconists 8
Graklur-Kal Beastman Drakwald Defilers 8
Balder Runner The Asgard Marauders 8
Tweek Catcher Jimps and Perps 8
Duke Alexius Von Carstein Vampire Nachthaften Nightlords 8
Thunderbolt Tango Rotter Biohazard DX 8
Iztali Kacmo Catcher Teotigua Flying Frogs 8

Top Scorers

# Player Position Team Value
1 Richmond Beastman Talos Tobacconists 3
Grelth Hulgior Runner Karond Kar Oblivion 3
3 Balder Runner The Asgard Marauders 2
Rita Catcher Sect of Temptation 2
Hodsi Bonestealer Blitzer Har Ganeth Heartbreakers 2
Vinin Venomraven Blitzer Har Ganeth Heartbreakers 2
Missingno Pestigor Biohazard DX 2
Arcani Spark IV Gutter Runner Arcani\’s All Sparks 2
Sizzler Catcher Waterbowl Wanderers 2
10 Pall Mall Beastman Talos Tobacconists 1

Most Vicious

# Player Position Team Value
1 Silas Malice Blitzer Karond Kar Oblivion 3
2 Brett \’The Hitman\’ Kern Blitzer Nordenringen Titans 2
Gunniod Thrower The Asgard Marauders 2
Wandlebury Ogre Gog Magog Gladiators 2
Fluffy Minotaur Slaaneshi Big Society 2
Optimouse Prime Rat Ogre Arcani\’s All Sparks 2
7 Benson Chaos Warrior Talos Tobacconists 1
Marlboro Beastman Talos Tobacconists 1
Richmond Beastman Talos Tobacconists 1
Festus \”The Pestitant\” Chaos Warrior Drakwald Defilers 1

Top Passers

# Player Position Team Value
1 Inferno Thrower Arcani\’s All Sparks 4
2 Marlboro Beastman Talos Tobacconists 3
Blunderball Bironas Thrower Nordenringen Titans 3
4 Anatol Riftbreak Linesman Har Ganeth Heartbreakers 2
Grelth Hulgior Runner Karond Kar Oblivion 2
BeanBag Catcher Waterbowl Wanderers 2
7 Gorsquakor Beastman Drakwald Defilers 1
Lord Marek Von Nachthof Vampire Nachthaften Nightlords 1
Tirom Skullbreaker Linesman Har Ganeth Heartbreakers 1
Vinin Venomraven Blitzer Har Ganeth Heartbreakers 1

Top Interceptors

# Player Position Team Value
1 Lucky Strike Minotaur Talos Tobacconists 1
Anatol Riftbreak Linesman Har Ganeth Heartbreakers 1
Bingo Halfling The Wild Brunch 1

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