GSNN Takeover: ‘ave You Uzed dat Wizard Yet?

Da wizzard…. everywun noes ee’z da best indyoosment dat munny can buy. But not everywun noes da best way to use ‘im.  So I, Shigglez, ‘ed coach of da finest teem of goblinz ever seen in dis leeg, is gunna tell yoo sum seekrettz abowt how…


When should I hire dat wizard?

If yoo’z got 150k of cash to spend, an’ yoo’z not coaching gobboz (dey needz it fer uvver fings… ask der refz), den yoo should be hiring a wizzard.  Dere is nuffin else as good yoo’z gunna get fer dat cash.


When should I use dat wizard?

Dis wun in’t an eezy kwestshun to arnsa.  If da uvver teem is gonna score an’ yoo can recova da ball wen it goes looose, then use da wizzard.  If yoo’z got a chance to score but dere’s playaz in da way, use da wizzard.  If dere’s a big ol’ bounty on da pitch, like Fluffy da Cow-Killa or dat spawny hobgob cunt Fumbles, den use da wizzard da furst chance yoo get!


Whaa’ spell should I get ‘im to cazt?

I bashed sum gobboz togevver an’ did da maffs. A fireball is gunna hit wun of every too playas unda it, da litening bolt is gunna is gunna ‘it moar often unless itz da sooperbowl final an’ yoo really needz it to.  So: da bolt is da wun to go for, unless yoo’z playin’ a bashy teems – dem short beerdy gitz is a good eksampul – an’ yoo can get fiyv or moar of dem under a big fireball.


Anything else I should know?

‘Avin’ a wizzard is a big fing in da mind of da uvver coach. ‘Ee won’t wanna bunch ‘is teem up, in case yoo ‘it ‘em wiv a fireball. ‘Ee won’t wanna run forward too kwik ‘cos den yoo can jus’ bolt da ball an’ nikk it bakk.  So don’t always use da wizzard as erly as yoo can… waitin’ a wile may give yoo betta opportoonitiez.  Of cors, yoo don’t wanna wayt so long yoo ferget yoo’z got a wizzard…

Also: despite ‘ow much yoo pleed, da wizzard cannot be used on playas off da pitch. So wen dat spawny hobgob Fumbles HIDEZ IN DA DUGOUT FER MOST OF DA GAME, yoo’z not gunna be able to ‘it ‘im wiv da wizard. Moorz da pity.


  1. Alternatively: Don’t buy a wizard. Buy a guy with a chainsaw instead.

    Even more Alternatrively: Buy 3 dirty play cards and see what happens.

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