Category: Gerhards Soapbox

Gerhard: Dear Rangers, don’t ever come back

When the dawn breaks through the bedroom window after a nightmare filled sleepless night you feel elated that the trouble is over and a new day can start. I feel that way today with the confirmation of the wonderful fact;

THE LOREN RANGERS HAVE LEFT THE HDWSBBL!!

Thank Nuffle. For 5 years they have tormented me with their flashy plays, their showboating on the pitch and fact they just appear to win everything possible in the league.

The League has never seen anything like them and possibly never will again. Since the moment they stepped out onto a pitch at the start of the 2506/07 Season the world at large knew something was different about this team. Yes, all Wood Elf teams are cocky, look like pussies and have homosexual tendencies but the Rangers could back up the cockiness with raw ability, something that drove me and the other coaches in that season (Hi Havlock) to despair (I won’t go into detail with the other two traits).

Since then they have managed to rub championship win after championship win into my wounds almost driving me to a mental breakdown (long time fans will recall that I had to be restrained from donning a RSV uniform and stomping out onto the pitch during an encounter in 2508). They have made grown men (and equivalents from other races) shed buckets of tears of rage and frustration with their antics.

Week after week, season after season we have seen them smash league records and fill out the top players list despite the best efforts of the leagues other competitors. Like watching a hungry Troll walk into an orphanage, you know the outcome is going to be ugly and make you sick but you cannot turn your eyes away from the unfolding spectacle due to some perverse pleasure. There is absolutely nothing you can do apart from pray to any god that is listening to stop the horror (or give you a bloody big gun).

But now the league can rest easy. The most celebrated team the HDWSBBL has ever seen (in terms of records, wins and ego – The Corsairs still beat them on number of Championships won) has now left us. New stars can rise to the top and be celebrated for the heroes that they are without always living in the Rangers shadow (unless they are Elves, in which case they can also fuck off).

Now is the time for the new (and few existing teams) to rise to the challenge and make a name for themselves. The path to Championship Super Bowl glory is clear. If history has taught us anything it’s that you don’t have to be the best team to win something (*cough* Tail Slammers *cough*) but you do have to be a determined, ruthless bunch or murdering bastards (back in the day ALL Blood bowl teams used to be like that – I blame the parents of these modern players for introducing concepts such as fair play and honour).

However I feel part of me is now missing. Just like flowers need both the rain and the sun, I need a team such as the Rangers to stir up the burning hatred inside me that makes me the popular man I am.

Like the aftermath from a bad relationship, I am never sure if I will be able to feel this much hatred towards a team ever again. Until we have a team that comes even close to the Rangers abilities I guess I will be a shadow of my former self. I don’t even have the turd on legs, the Little Dinos or the Manhunters to attack.

But don’t shed a tear for poor old Gerhard just yet; I am sure one of the new teams will wind me up within a week. I can already see some new Wood Elves and Skaven lining up…

So long Loren Rangers, may you burn in hell for eternity.

-Gerhard

Editors Note: As always, the above opinions are that of Gerhard and may not reflect the opinions of the HDWSBBL as a whole.
We did ask Gerhard if he wanted to write about any of the other departing teams this season but he declined. He did offer some brief comments which we have included below:

  • Middenhein Manhunters – I have already said goodbye once and I am not doing that again. They will be back anyway when their owner needs some more cash to finance his prostitute addiction.
  • Tail Slammers – I am not going to waste any words on those furry turds on legs. I get reminded of them every time I take a shit.
  • Teotigua Predators – I am not finished with them yet…

Season 5 – Week 10-16 – Catch up with Gerhard – again

Oh my, where has the time flown? Once again, while I am in the middle of writing my latest masterpiece on the top active players in the league and I am summoned to drop everything and get a summery out the door before the fans begin to riot!

So I have 6 weeks of action and 12 games to catch up with and I only have about 10 minutes to get it done before my party resumes. Lets get going! As before, I will focus on the individual teams rather then on the matches themselves.

Brimstone Flayers

The Flayers have only been in action once since the Cleavers tore them apart in the opening round of the Spite Challenge. After licking their wounds for a number of weeks they took a trip to visit Damage Inc at home. After looking like they would be the first team to lost to the Chaos pact muppets, they left with a 3-2 victory. Now the team is fully healed they are hopeful that they can continue the good form and win South Division.

Damage Inc

Damage Inc are now the only team to have not won any points this season! They have been in action twice in the past six weeks against the bloody Loren Rangers and the previously discussed Flayers. Based on my introduction for this team you can guess that they had a wonderful time and picked up the points they deserved… I know they place a lot of their performance issues on their Troll and to be honest they might have a point! Their Troll is one of the stupidest creatures I have ever seen step foot onto a Blood Bowl Pitch.

Grunhelm Gemcutters

The Gemcutters have finally made their return to the HDWSBBBL. After a unbelievable wait the short and angry ones returned to face the Middenhein Manhunters and then the Tutsbone Jackles. Against the Manhunters they suffered early on from a lack of speed but pulled something back near the end to force a draw. A similar situation happened against the Jackles where after a bit of a tussle they ended up drawing with the lords of the desert. Despite the Gemcutters hanging around near the top of South Division, I am still unconvinced about how far they will go. I need to see more of this team before I can make my mind up.

Lustria Leapers

The Leapers have almost been impressive since I last watched them. Although they have only played one game against the Manhunters the clearly dominated their more experienced opponents and defeated them with an impressive ease. They are also lined up to take the South Division Championship assuming they can overcome the Loren Rangers

Middenhein Manhunters

The Manhuters continue to suck! They have lost to the Leapers in a game they should have had no problems winning and they threw away victory against the Gemcutters. I am a bit concerned for their players though as the stress appears to be getting to them. Their Star Thrower Ludd was seen to be running around in circles during the game against the Leapers and Lord Havlock was forced to bench him the next game! Speaking of Havlock, I hear that he is on thin ice over in the Manhunters camp. Word is that he could soon be replaced by the Janitor! If the Manhunters management is reading this then please let that happen. It would be a great late Christmas present.

Orcland Cleavers

The mighty Cleavers hit a bit of a snag recently. After decimating all before them and climbing to the top of North Division they stumbled against a bunch of Elves! I guess the nightmares of their games against the Rangers from last season returned when they took on the Wee Tree Fellows as they could only manage a draw. I was impressed with the last minute fouling though as it sent a few not-so-Pro Elves off to the apothecaries – That’s always a good thing.

Tail Slammers

It looks like the bubble has burst on the form of the Tail Slammers. it’s about bloody time, I was getting worried that I would have to be writing about yet another victory from the furry puss bags however they could only draw with the Wee Tree Fellows and staggered when it came to the crunch game against the Shadows. They are still in with a small chance of winning North Division but hopefully they will become the next victims of the Halflings during their 30th game and we won’t be hearing from them again!

Teotigua Predators

Its obvious my hunting trips have been getting to this little dinos as they have been in hiding for a few months. I have been trying to track them down with no luck. It turned out I needn’t have bothered to continue my quest to exterminate them from the league as during their match against the Halflings they had two Sarus die on them! It was a happy night in the Rockstein household I can tell you.

The Brewers

The Brewers are starting to get a grip on the game at last. After some impressive form they slipped up against the Halflings and became another team to lose to the 3-foot terrors. There where claims that someone had spiked their drink (hopefully not their own management) as they did appear to be a bit under the weather during their game. They are out of the running for the Championship V but they might have a chance in the Cleaver Cup

The Innsmouth Shadows

The Shadows upset me the other week when they announced that this was their last season on the HDWSBBL! I don’t know what I am going to do without the weekly ranting of JoJo. He is one of the only “sane” voices around here and we will miss him and his team! They had a disappointing draw against the Tail Slammers but they did have a cracking game against the Halflings in which they handed the midgets their biggest loss to date! It was a pleasure watching the Werewolves tear through all in their path although I wish they hadn’t spent so long picking the feathers from their teeth, that is what the half-time break is for (along with getting a bollocking from your coach). They are currently the strongest contenders for winning South Division. We will find out in a few short days if they can do it when they face the Cleavers.

The Loren Rangers

The Rangers have been very quiet over this last period as they have only graced us with their presence the once where they defeated Damage Inc. We are not entirely sure what they have been up too since then but they need to get their game gear back on soon otherwise they will struggle to catch up.

The Tutsbone Jackles

The Jackles are now only one game away from completing all their games in South Division. After a draw against the Gemcutters ended any dreams of qualifying for the Championship V the Jackles are now focused on finishing as far away from the bottom of the division as possible to ensure they have a good spot in the Cleaver Cup. Their final game is against Damage Inc…

We Tree Fellows

After a few inactive weeks the Fellows have been busy. They have drawn against the Cleavers and the Slammers and managed to pick up their first win of the season against the Halflings! The not-so-Pro Elves will need to pick up the pace just a little bit more if they want to win their first HDWSBBL Championship in what is rumoured to be their final season in the HDWSBBL.

Whereinthehellarewe Tribe

I must admit, until recently I was under the impression that that Halflings where just little boys who had not grown up yet and not in fact an actual offshoot of the human race! Now that I have been corrected I can start another set of height related jokes! They have taken part in a fair number of games recently, They came up short against the Shadows, stepped up to the challenge of the Brewers, cowered in fear against the Predators and run as fast as their little legs could carry them against the WTF. One victory in four may not be the best tally but for a Halfling team that is pretty impressive. They are still looking up at the rest of the Division from the bottom of North Division but seeing as they spend most of their waking day looking up they should certainly not be counted out.

Gotta go now, the ladies are calling

– Gerhard

Quick Summary of Week 10-16

  • 7 games in North Division – Open Scramble 2510/11
  • 5 games in South Division – Open Scramble 2510/11
  • 57 Touchdowns scored
  • 49 Casualties caused (3 resulted in Death)
  • 45 Completions made
  • 1 Interception made
  • 36,000 fans was the highest recorded attendance.

Match Results for Week 10-16

(numbers in brackets are the casualties caused by each team)

Open Scramble 2510/11 – North Division

Open Scramble 2510/11 – South Division

Obituaries for Week 10-16

League Standings for the Open Scramble 2510/11 (Week 16)

North Division

Team Pld W D L TF TA TD CF CA CD PTS
The Innsmouth Shadows 5 3 1 1 13 7 6 12 9 3 10
Tail Slammers 5 2 3 0 14 12 2 6 11 -5 9
Orcland Cleavers 5 2 2 1 7 7 0 10 4 6 8
Teotigua Predators 4 2 0 2 9 8 1 11 6 5 6
Wherethehellarewe Tribe 5 2 0 3 10 14 -4 13 14 -1 6
The Brewers 4 1 0 3 6 9 -3 2 6 -4 3
We Tree Fellows 4 0 2 4 10 12 -2 5 9 -4 2

South Division

Team Pld W D L TF TA TD CF CA CD PTS
The Loren Rangers 3 3 0 0 8 3 5 5 2 3 9
Brimstone Flayers 4 3 0 1 10 6 4 8 9 -1 9
Lustria Leapers 4 3 0 1 8 5 3 1 8 -7 9
Grunhelm Gemcutters 4 1 2 1 7 5 2 12 4 8 5
The Tutsbone Jackles 5 1 2 2 5 6 -1 9 9 0 5
Middenhein Manhunters 5 1 2 2 7 10 -3 8 6 2 5
Damage Inc 5 0 0 5 4 14 -10 6 11 -5 0

Player Statistics for the 2510/11 Season (Week 16)

Best Players

# Player Position Team Value
1 Eleeazar Smith Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 32
2 Bat Rat Gutter Runner Tail Slammers 24
3 Kimo Skink Teotigua Predators 22
Two Whistles Halfling Wherethehellarewe Tribe 22
5 Hans Kineitz Blitzer The Brewers 21
6 Erza Wheedon Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 20
7 Rientil Gloomheart Linesman Brimstone Flayers 19
8 Sun In Eyes Halfling Wherethehellarewe Tribe 17
Xelas Treeman Wherethehellarewe Tribe 17
10 Simon Orne Ghoul The Innsmouth Shadows 16

Top Scorers

# Player Position Team Value
1 Bat Rat Gutter Runner Tail Slammers 7
Eleeazar Smith Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 7
3 Caneran Everlong Catcher (Legacy) The Loren Rangers 4
Nurglost the Expectorus Gutter Runner Tail Slammers 4
Kimo Skink Teotigua Predators 4
Huitzilopochtli Catcher Lustria Leapers 4
Grolsch von Lager Catcher The Brewers 4
Althor Darkheart Blitzer Brimstone Flayers 4
9 Reg Shoe Catcher Middenhein Manhunters 3
Elesser Everlong Catcher (Legacy) The Loren Rangers 3

Most Vicious

# Player Position Team Value
1 Eleeazar Smith Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 5
Lashiform Jr Jr Rat Ogre Tail Slammers 5
3 Madgash Ur Ogre Middenhein Manhunters 4
Glog Gut-Rott Black Orc Blocker Orcland Cleavers 4
Zoorba Saurus Teotigua Predators 4
Moxal Kroxigor Teotigua Predators 4
Some Kind of Monster Minotaur Damage Inc 4
8 Erza Wheedon Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 3
Fungus Ironshod Troll Orcland Cleavers 3
Kwatee Treeman Wherethehellarewe Tribe 3

Top Passers

# Player Position Team Value
1 Erison Youngwhite Thrower The Loren Rangers 13
2 Lobsang Ludd Thrower Middenhein Manhunters 11
3 Macbeth Thrower We Tree Fellows 9
4 Shadow Thrower Tail Slammers 8
5 Rulg Ear-Hacker Thrower Orcland Cleavers 7
6 (03) Hamish ‘The Hammer’ Thrower We Tree Fellows 6
7 (0) Duncan ‘1/2 Pounder’ Blitzer We Tree Fellows 5
8 Henry Coffin Thrower Middenhein Manhunters 4
Two Whistles Halfling Wherethehellarewe Tribe 4
Hasrael Halfheart Linesman Brimstone Flayers 4

Top Interceptors

# Player Position Team Value
1 Lauren Lightair Lineself The Loren Rangers 1
Simon Orne Ghoul The Innsmouth Shadows 1
Little Running Behind Halfling Wherethehellarewe Tribe 1

Gerhards Predictions for the Spite Challenge 2510/11

Once again, a new competition is starting up so it is time for me to share my accurate predictions for this seasons Challenge Cup Competition.

Last seasons Challenge Cup competition (the Pepslay Challenge) had a glorious first day which has gone down in HDWSBBL history as the “day of death”. 8 players ended their career that night including one of the most wonderful things I have ever seen in my life, the best player in the leagues history (at the time) dragged to the ground and killed by a mob of Snotling! I still visit his grave every now and then to remind him how hilarious it was.

Back on topic, I am hoping to see at least the same amount of violence this time around. There are too many Skaven, Elves and little Dinosaur things running around thinking they are clever.

On with the predictions then. I should really start with the matches taking place this week. In the order of which they where drawn:

Tail Slammers (North) vs The Loren Rangers (South)

This should be a good one. The Tail Slammers appear to be controlled by some higher power which is letting them have the best season of their short horrid lives. The last time these two teams met the Rangers danced all over them and I know from one of the threatening letters they keep nailing to my door that they have been ready for this moment for a long time. However, and I almost hate myself for saying this, the Rangers *spit* ARE the best team in the league today without a doubt. No matter how good the Tail Slammers are, the Rangers will always be one step ahead of them. I think this game will be close and will see some drama, but I have no doubt about the outcome.
Prediction: The Loren Rangers

Orcland Cleavers (North) vs Brimstone Flayers (South)

The Cleavers are unlucky not be top of North Division. They have been playing well lately and are a great example of a team who struggled during their first season (*cough* Cleaver Cup *Cough*) but kept trying and developed into a formidable team. The Flayers on the other hand are still an unknown force in the league. They are currently sitting in second place and have shown some good form against some of the bigger teams. Regardless I think the Cleavers improved form and the experience they have will play a big part in this match.
Prediction: Ocland Cleavers

The Innsmouth Shadows (North) vs Lustria Leapers (South)

Slow vs Quick, Heavy hitting vs fragile. Undead vs Space Frogs. This could be a very good one. Both teams are on impressive forms and should be bringing their full rosters to the match. The Leapers have managed to surprise all the teams they have faced this season with their leaping ability but they have suffered due to a lack of hitting power on their side. JoJo’s brave band of adventurers however has no shortage of hitting power, with them it is speed they lack (and their sanity). This is going to go one of two ways; the Leapers will dance around the Shadows embarrassing them in the process or the Shadows will ground the Leapers and beat them to a bloody pulp! There werewolves are going to have a field day with the line frogs.
Prediction: The Innsmouth Shadows (Good luck in your 30th game JoJo!).

Teotigua Predators (North) vs The Tutsbone Jackles (South)

My favourites! This season has me very confused. If a few months ago you had told me that the Tail Slammers would be leading a Division and that the Jackles where in the top portion of a Division then I would have branded you a loon and sent you to spend some time with fellow nutter JoJo. However, I guess that sometimes surprising things do happen considering Nuffle is a psychopath of the highest order.

Anyway, The Little Dinos have been coming up a little short in their games lately while the Jackles have been constantly just above average (that is a complement btw). The Dinos bigger ones on the team are sometimes impressive but I feel that they will get dominated by the Mummies that the Jackles have on their team. The Jackles Skeletons will be no match for the little skinks though so I hope the Jackles have been practising their Cage plays otherwise a little Skink will slip through their legs. I will be watching this game VERY closely.
Prediction: The Tutsbone Jackles

The Brewers (North) vs Middenhein Manhunters (South)

It has been some time since we have had a Human vs Human match actually take place (there was due to be two last season but the Ruskin Arms Bar Flys dropped out before they took on RSV). Normally, I would go with the more experienced team but seeing as both teams are piss-poor representations of their race this match could be a total toss-up. True, the Manhunters could show a rare display of good form and dispose of the rookies but we know what their luck is like. On the other hand the Brewers have only really had one good game in their career and have struggled along so far this season. I am very conflicted. I don’t want to pick the Manhunters but they do have a good chance of winning this one and I don’t want that Lord Havlock on here gloating about how I was wrong. Oh well, I will take that chance!
Prediction: The Brewers

We Tree Fellows (North) vs Grunhelm Gemcutters (South)

This is going to be a good one. The not-Pro Elves against the Angry Dwarves. Assuming the Dwarves come out of hibernation this could be a very messy encounter. The Fellows will be looking to restore the pride to their team name and I expect them to play a running game to get around the Dwarves lack of speed. However should the Dwarves catch them this could prove to be one of the bloodiest games in the leagues history! Fingers crossed then.
Prediction: Grunhelm Gemcutters

Whereinthehellarewe Tribe (North) vs Damage Inc (South)

On the face of this, Damage Inc should have no issues. Damages Big guys outnumber the Treemen and we all know that Halflings go squish easily. However (I have used that word a lot today!) the form of the Chaos pact has been dreadful. If their Coach can whip his boys into shape this could be an entertaining encounter. With four big guys on the pitch with the ability to throw the little ones down the field (and another one who enjoys eating them) we could see a lot of little people flying through the air (and hopefully ending with a satisfying crunch). I don’t know who to pick here. My brain tells me to bet against Damage Inc considering their form but I cannot justify picking Halflings for anything!
Prediction: Damage Inc!

Further predictions

So, with this weeks action out the way, I need to pull some further predictions out of my firm buttocks. My gut is telling me that this seasons competition is going to end very similer to last season. As the top three teams are recognised, and the last gets the honour of the shield named after them, I have four choices.

First place: The Loren rangers *Spit*
Second Place: The Innsmouth Shadows
Third Place: The Tail Slammers

Last place: The Brewers (free publicity if they manage this, that might please them).

We will soon see how right I am

 – Gerhard

Season 5 – Week 2-7 – Catch up with Gerhard!

So once again, the team behind generating the summaries has gone AWOL so they have drafted me into try and summarise the last few weeks of action! Nothing like a challenge gets me going in the morning.

I am not going to bother looking at the games one by one as I simply don’t have that much free time (or interest in some of the games). Instead as the teams should in theory be half way through the Open Scramble Competition I will take a look at how they are progressing since the last summery way back in Week 1. In alphabetical order:

Brimstone Flayers

The Flayers have been a fairly impressive team since the last summery. They have picked up two wins against the Jackles and the Manhunters. I hear that some people out there are already comparing these Dark Elves to the Corsairs. Please bear in mind that the two teams that they have beaten recently have not been the best the league can offer and they did struggle with a “real” team like the Rangers. They have just hired a new Witch Elf though; I might have to check her out…

Damage Inc

This team is quickly irritating me. With so much hitting force on their side they should be dominating all (although it that was true, Ogre teams would be the most powerful teams in the league!). They lost to the Manhunters in a game that saw Damage Inc score their only Touchdown this season and then lost to the Leapers in a game that saw one of the worst runs of luck for the two participating teams since the infamous game between the Corsairs and the Reavers which saw both teams get confused on the pitch due to the matching uniforms! I hope they get better soon, I love the thought of a Troll, Minotaur and an Ogre rampaging through the Rangers in just a few weeks time.

Grunhelm Gemcutters

Apart from a brief appearance that saw them lose to the Leapers, the Gemcutters have not been seen! Maybe they have returned to their underground home to plot and write some angry words in their book of grudges. Considering the length of the names of the Leapers players, they could be there for some time!

Lustria Leapers

The Space frogs have come on a lot since their Debut. They managed to take down the Angry Dwarves and jump all over Damage Inc (which depending on the Chaos Pacts next few games could be the norm and not an impressive feat). It looks like the unpronounceable players have finally found their stride in the league and could soon be leaping up the standings in South Division. I love puns.

Middenhein Manhunters

So the Manhunters finally reach 30 games eh? Apart from that brief moment of happiness from the team, they look to be back to their old form. Its moments like this that I am glad that RSV decided to disband for now as it saddens me when once great teams (obviously not talking about the Manhunters here) ruin their legacy by a piss poor run when they should have retired years ago. A loss to the Flayers and a Draw with the Jackles is inexcusable for a team of their status, even if Nuffle is against them. At least I get some enjoyment from winding up their cross dressing head coach!

Orcland Cleavers

The fearsome Cleavers have been plodding through the league. They managed to force a draw with the Tail Slammers (when did that become an accomplishment instead of an embarrassment?) and lose to the Brewers. In their defence they claim the Brewers kind offer of free beer poisoned them. If there is a lesson to be learnt here it is that Blood Bowl teams or fans should NEVER accept free drinks from the opposition.

Tail Slammers

*sigh*. I miss the times when the Tail Slammers where the punch bags of the league instead of the potentially title winning team we have before us. The team has unfortunately shown improvement in all areas (except their spelling). They are yet to face one of the bigger teams of North Division though (such as the Shadows or Predators) and instead have drawn with the Cleavers and defeated the poor Brewers. Hopefully they will have a few less players by the time I am forced to watch one of their games.

Teotigua Predators

If you have been reading all the entries so far then you will have seen me call the Predators one of the bigger teams of the league! Don’t worry; I have not gone soft in the head. These little dinos are still one of my favourite whipping “boys”. They have only seen action once in a game that saw them roob the Shadows of victory. The shadows have a point that Terradons should not be allowed to pluck players from the pitch. I feel a hunting trip coming on.

In fact, I have an idea, instead of paying 150k for a subpar Wizard to turn up and throw around a fireball or two at the Dinos, give me the cash and I will turn up with my musket! I will be more then happy to fire off a shot or two at the little Dinos (OK, I would do it for free but I have to maintain my lavish lifestyle somehow).

The Brewers

The publicity boys have had a bumpy start. Since the last summery they have lost to the Tail Slammers and caused an upset by defeating the Cleavers. I must be honest; I had this team pegged for zero points this season. I am never confident when amateur teams turn pro for the sake of money, it always ends with lots of blood and broken bones. To their credit though their catchers have been training hard and are starting to develop into real players. Now, if only they can remember to bring their team sheet to their games and remember that Linesmen cannot train to become Catchers no matter how hard they try…

The Innsmouth Shadows

JoJo and the boys are on fighting form. Be it on the pitch defeating the Brewers and losing to the Predators, to the near constant verbal diarrhea that JoJo suffers from over on their team site (which is a good thing imho), the team is always interesting to watch. Their doggies are making good progress tearing up the league (when they are not being abducted by great beast or having major surgery performed by the crowd) and it looks like all their players are giving it their all to make this a memorable Season for the Shadows. The Shadows even managed to catch the only Interception of the season (by a Ghoul no less).

That brings us nicely to the question on everyone’s lips, just how can a Zombie out perform every member of the team if not league? I have seen Carter “play” and he is not exciting enough to justify that many MVP awards. If only we knew the sadistic bunch who awarded the MVP awards for every match.

And yes, I did return the doggies arms. It’s a shame, I was hoping to put them on my mantle.

The Loren Rangers

It appears to be business as usual for the Rangers. They have not played too many games yet but they are getting the points needed. While it looks like some of the teams have adapted to them and their win margin isn’t as great as it used to be, they are still on target to win the Division. They did lose one of their long standing players against the Jackles though. He suffered the best fate an Elf has suffered in a long time, he broke is own neck while showing off his fancy moves!

The Tutsbone Jackles

I think it is fair to say that the Jackles are having the best season of their (un)life! Despite losing to games and only drawing one the Jackles are in the highest position they have ever been in. I am sure that if blood flowed through their long rotted away veins, their noses would be bleeding from the height. They only have two games left in the Open Scramble against the Angry Dwarves and Damage Inc so who knows, they might actually qualify for the Championship V (hey, stranger things have happened, look at the Tail Slammers, nobody ever predicted that they would win a match!).

We Tree Fellows and Wherethehellarewe Tribe

They have not played any “recognised” games since the last summery. I am not touching that one with a barge pole (or Ezra’s arms before I had to return them)!

You will shortly be presented with the current league standings. I have been warned not to touch or modify them this time around (as if I would, a Zombie as one of the best players needs to be remembered for all time). Until next time we cross paths (which in the case of the little dinos could be very soon), take care out there. With all my love

– Gerhard

Quick Summary of Weeks 2 through 7

  • 5 games in North Division – Open Scramble 2510/11
  • 7 games in South Division – Open Scramble 2510/11
  • 33 Touchdowns scored
  • 33 Casualties caused (2 resulted in Death)
  • 32 Completions made
  • 1 Interception made
  • 35,000 fans was the highest recorded attendance.

Match Results for Weeks 2 through 7

(numbers in brackets are the casualties caused by each team)

Open Scramble 2510/11 – North Division

Open Scramble 2510/11 – South Division

Obituaries for Weeks 2 through 7

League Standings for the Open Scramble 2510/11 (Week 7)

North Division

Team Pld W D L TF TA TD CF CA CD PTS
Tail Slammers 3 2 1 0 8 6 2 4 7 -3 7
The Innsmouth Shadows 3 2 0 1 6 4 2 8 3 5 6
Orcland Cleavers 3 1 1 1 3 4 -1 8 3 5 4
Teotigua Predators 2 1 0 1 6 6 0 6 1 5 3
The Brewers 3 1 0 2 4 5 -1 1 5 -4 3
We Tree Fellows 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0 4 -4 0
Wherethehellarewe Tribe 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0 4 -4 0

South Division

Team Pld W D L TF TA TD CF CA CD PTS
The Loren Rangers 2 2 0 0 5 2 3 5 0 5 6
Brimstone Flayers 3 2 0 1 7 4 3 3 7 -4 6
Lustria Leapers 3 2 0 1 5 3 2 0 7 -7 6
The Tutsbone Jackles 4 1 1 2 4 5 -1 7 6 1 4
Middenhein Manhunters 3 1 1 1 3 5 -2 6 3 3 4
Grunhelm Gemcutters 2 1 0 1 4 2 2 7 1 6 3
Damage Inc 3 0 0 3 1 8 -7 2 6 -4 0

Player Statistics for the Open Scramble 2510/11 (Week 2)

Best Players

# Player Position Team Value
1 Kimo Skink Teotigua Predators 16
2 Carter Zombie The Innsmouth Shadows 12
Hans Kineitz Blitzer The Brewers 12
4 Bat Rat Gutter Runner Tail Slammers 11
Me Uptai Thro-Ra The Tutsbone Jackles 11
Glog Gut-Rott Black Orc Blocker Orcland Cleavers 11
Rientil Gloomheart Linesman Brimstone Flayers 11
8 Erza Wheedon Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 10
Eleeazar Smith Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 10
Simon Orne Ghoul The Innsmouth Shadows 10

Top Scorers

# Player Position Team Value
1 Bat Rat Gutter Runner Tail Slammers 3
Invisible Rat Gutter Runner Tail Slammers 3
Reg Shoe Catcher Middenhein Manhunters 3
Grolsch von Lager Catcher The Brewers 3
5 Kimo Skink Teotigua Predators 2
Pikai Skink Teotigua Predators 2
Murin Quicksilver Runner Grunhelm Gemcutters 2
Erza Wheedon Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 2
Simon Orne Ghoul The Innsmouth Shadows 2
Me Uptai Thro-Ra The Tutsbone Jackles 2

Most Vicious

# Player Position Team Value
1 Moxal Kroxigor Teotigua Predators 3
Eleeazar Smith Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 3
Glog Gut-Rott Black Orc Blocker Orcland Cleavers 3
Lashiform Jr Jr Rat Ogre Tail Slammers 3
Madgash Ur Ogre Middenhein Manhunters 3
6 Korun Orchewer Blocker Grunhelm Gemcutters 2
Erza Wheedon Werewolf The Innsmouth Shadows 2
Khepe Neseru Mummie (Legacy) The Tutsbone Jackles 2
Arethe Hekh Mummie (Legacy) The Tutsbone Jackles 2
Fungus Ironshod Troll Orcland Cleavers 2

Top Passers

# Player Position Team Value
1 Lobsang Ludd Thrower Middenhein Manhunters 7
2 Rulg Ear-Hacker Thrower Orcland Cleavers 6
3 Erison Youngwhite Thrower The Loren Rangers 4
4 Shadow Thrower Tail Slammers 3
Hasrael Halfheart Linesman Brimstone Flayers 3
Jorgan Heineken Catcher The Brewers 3
7 Bat Rat Gutter Runner Tail Slammers 2
(03) Hamish ‘The Hammer’ Thrower We Tree Fellows 2
(21) Wallace Linesman We Tree Fellows 2
Wannamuffin Halfling Wherethehellarewe Tribe 2

Top Interceptors

# Player Position Team Value
1 Simon Orne Ghoul The Innsmouth Shadows 1

Gerhard: a look a the top 25 players – Start of 2510/11 Season

Greetings my loyal minions, last season I did an overview of the top 25 players of the league. It went down quite well so I have been asked to take a look at the current top 25 players now that a few of the teams occupying the list from last time have gone. I am doing this investigation now but also plan on doing it midway through the season (even though the thought of looking at lists of Elves and Skaven makes me sick!).

As with last time, I will start with some stats. All figures and comments are based on the standings after only one game of the 2510/11 Season of the HDWSBBL.

Combined, the top 25 players account for 1455 of the 8216 Star Player Points in the Leagues history (that’s 17.7% – down from the 24% last time). The positions break down as follows:

  • 5 Blitzers (20%) – 4 less then last time (was 36%)
  • 4 Catchers (16%) – 1 less then last time (was 20%)
  • 4 Throwers (16%) – 2 more then last time (was 8%)
  • 3 Gutter Runners (12%) – Up 2 from last time (was 4%)
  • 2 Lineselves (8%) – new entry
  • 2 Skinks (8%) – new entry
  • 2 Werewolves (8%) – 1 less from last time (was 12%)
  • 1 Ghoul (4%) – 1 less then last time (was 8%)
  • 1 Wardancer (4%) – same as last time
  • 1 Zombie (4%) – new entry

The only position missing this time that was present last time was Witch Elves! In terms of the teams that the players come from:

  • 7 from The Loren Rangers (28%) – 1 more then last time (was 20%)
  • 4 from the Middenhein Manhunters (16%) – new entry
  • 4 from the Tail Slammers (16%) – 3 more then last time (was 4%)
  • 4 from The Innsmouth Shadows (16%) – 1 more then last time (was 12%)
  • 2 from the Orcland Cleavers (8%) – new entry
  • 2 from the Teotigua Predators (8%) – new entry
  • 2 from the We Tree Fellows (8%) – new entry

The following teams are no longer represented (because they have retired, stupid): Karond Kar Corsairs, Ragnars Swift Velocity, Beaumont Blitzers, Mc Cauligh Reavers and the Drackwald Deadheads

That’s the number crunching out the way, lets get on with it:

#1 – Caneran Everlong (Catcher (Legacy)) – The Loren Rangers

I was correct! Last time we recapped the top players Caneran was behind his brother in the standings. I commented that it is often the younger brother who you have to watch out for. Despite being a stinking Elf, he proves that Gerhard is always right! It’s a shame he took over the top spot from Roeder from RSV. Hopefully he will suffer the same fate as Crownstar from last season, a humiliating death.

  • Was number three last time behind his brother Elesser Everlong
  • Currently ranked as the top player of all time in the HDWSBBL!
  • Is ranked as the best Elf (any team or position) that is active in the HDWSBBL
  • Is the current top scorer for the Loren Rangers
  • Responsible for scoring the 1000th Touchdown in HDWSBBL history
  • Currently holds the records for most Touchdowns scored in a competition and in a Season
  • Currently the top active scorer in the HDWSBBL (second of all time)
  • Currently holds the record for most Star Player Points earned in a season

#2 – Elesser Everlong (Catcher (Legacy)) – The Loren Rangers

Elesser is the other half of the dynamic duo of the Rangers. I hear there is some friction between the two brothers once Caneran began to outscore his older brother. Maybe the older bother will put the younger one out of his misery to reclaim the top spot? I do love a bit of sibling rivalry.

  • Was number two last time ahead of his brother Caneran Everlong
  • Currently ranked as the third best player of all time

#3 – Erison Youngwhite (Thrower) – The Loren Rangers

The Elf with laser sights for his eyes has moved up a few positions since last time. I must admit I was impressed when he managed to out throw most of the other teams last season, never mind break his own record for most Completions in a season. Yes, the Wee Tree Fellows might be able to throw the ball around more often, but Youngwhite manages to get the ball where it is needed. I almost have respect for the new Captain of the Rangers!

  • Was ranked as number 4 last time
  • Currently ranked as the fourth best player of all time
  • Currently ranked as the best Thrower (any Race) that the league has ever seen (active or former).
  • Holds the current record for most Completions in a season.

#4 – Arcani Spark (Gutter Runner) – Tail Slammers

Despite my best efforts to have him killed, the “fury turd on legs” is still alive and kicking. If he manages to retire with his legs intact we will one day make a great attraction at a freak show, what with all that leaping about he does. Come on someone, end his miserable life.

  • Was ranked as number 10 (joint) last time
  • Currently ranked as the ninth best player of all time
  • Currently ranked as the highest Skaven (any Position) in the leagues history.

#5 – Lobsang Ludd (Thrower) – Middenhein Manhunters

The first Human in the list and also the Captain of the Manhunters! Ludd was once known as the best thrower in the league. Things have moved on since then and he has a lot of ground to catch up on to reclaim his former title. He once managed to kill a Wardancer who tried to take the ball of him. I like his style (although I still dislike the Manhunters).

  • Currently ranked as the best active human in the league (3rd of all time)
  • Currently ranked as the eleventh best player of all time
  • Currently ranked as the second best thrower in HDWSBBL history

#6 – Moist Von Lipwig (Blitzer) – Middenhein Manhunters

It feels like just yesterday that I was scouting Moist for a position on RSV. He eventually turned it down to join the Manhunters (idiot). He is one of the shining starts of the team and was the best player of the 2506/07 Season so he is certainly one to watch out for. Although he has aged a bit since then I hear he can still pack a good solid punch. He is one of my picks to be the star of the season.

  • Currently ranked as the best Blitzer (any race) of all time
  • Currently ranked as the twelfth best player of all time
  • Holds the record for most Touchdowns scored in a single match with 4!

(joint) #6 – Eleeazar Smith (Werewolf) – The Innsmouth Shadows

A good doggie. Eleeezar is one of the top killers of the league having maimed multiple players over the last two seasons. Winning the Finger of death award has not gone to his head although I hear he was slightly confused when the life sized statue was delivered to him in Insmouth. It’s a great story but I cannot due it Justice. JoJo delivers it much better then me.

  • Was ranked as number 13 last time
  • Currently ranked as the twelfth best player of all time
  • Currently the most violent player in HDWSBBL history (all time and active)
  • Currently ranked as the most deadly active player in the league (joint second of all time)

#8 – Cappella Goldfalcon (Wardancer) – The Loren Rangers

Shock horror, another Elf. “Mr” Goldfalcon has been there since day one of the Rangers and witnessed many of his team mates being slaughtered. Fun fact, it was Goldfalcon who chased me away one night when he found me pissing on the grave of Crownstar! Looking back he may not have been chasing me away with all the dancing, he might have actually been hitting on me. Who knows how the minds of the Elves work…

  • Was ranked as number 18 last time, that is some leap (excuse the pun)
  • Currently ranked as the fourteenth best player of all time

(joint) #8 – Erza Wheedon (Werewolf) – The Innsmouth Shadows

The former fuck-tard himself has improved his game since I last reported on him. I guess JoJo’s strategy of starving him until he became useful actually paid off! Tail Slammers take note, simply starve your team. Hopefully you will forget to ever give them food again…

  • Was ranked as number 21 last time
  • Currently ranked as the fourteenth best player of all time

#10 – Elengad Greenstone (Catcher (Legacy)) – The Loren Rangers

Ok, I am bored with Elves now. Greenstone is obviously a good player (as he is in the top 10) but I guess he is always outshone by the Everlong Brothers (and before that, Crownstar). Now he has stepped down from being the Captain he can focus on getting his name up there in lights. Breaking into the top 10 was a good first step.

  • Was ranked as number 10 (joint) last time
  • Currently ranked as the seventeenth best player of all time

#11 – Simon Orne (Ghoul) – The Innsmouth Shadows

Bloody hell these Shadows have improved. Simon has moved up in the rankings from #24 to #11 since last time, very impressive. Last time we took a look at him he was having trouble being a great catcher on a team with no thrower. Things have not improved too much but he has improved his running game.

  • Was ranked as number 24 last time
  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

#12 – Hamish ‘The Hammer’ (Thrower) – We Tree Fellows

Hamish began making a name for himself last season when he appeared to make it his goal to become the best thrower in the league. Although he still pales in comparison to the likes of Youngwhite or Ludd I imagine we will be hearing more of this Elf, especially as he is one of the biggest targets in North Division this season!

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list
  • Currently ranked as the third best thrower in HDWSBBL history
  • Currently holds the record for most completions in a single match with 8!

#13 – Nurglost the Expectorus (Gutter Runner) – Tail Slammers

Great, a second Gutter runner! Nurglost is a more recent addition to the team having joined the team after they received a well earned kicking. Since then he has been the bane of many players in the league although he is overshadowed by his fellow Gutter Runner Arcani Spark.

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

#14 – Rulg Ear-Hacker (Thrower) – Orcland Cleavers

Ear-Hacker is one of the break-out stars of the league. Being the highest placed Orc on the list (and in fact, the only Orc to ever make it this high) makes him something special. Around these parts, Orc Throwers are always notorious blending the aggression of an Orc with the agility of something better. Ear-Hacker is responsible for most of the Touchdowns that the Cleavers score. I imagine his performances will be key this season in getting the Cleavers (back?) into their winning ways.

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list
  • Currently ranked as the second best Orc Thrower of all time

#15 – Gariad (Blitzer) – Tail Slammers

There is something Ironic about the words Skaven and Blitzer in the same sentence. Away from the Blood Bowl pitch a Halfling with a piece of crap on a twig has more chance of inciting fear into the heart of men then a furry rat but on the pitch Gariad is a well known pain inflictor! Maybe that’s their secret, people underestimate them?

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list
  • Currently ranked as the most violent Skaven of all time

#16 – Horbag Talon-Gut (Blitzer) – Orcland Cleavers

I love the names of these Orcs. If you don’t cough up flem while pronouncing their names then you are doing it wrong! Horbag *spit* is just what an Orc should be, aggressive, mean and on the right side of stupid. He excels at punching through cages and likes nothing better to crush a few skulls before he gets out of bed in the morning (I hear he keeps them in his bedside draw).

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

(joint) #16 – Bat Rat (Gutter Runner) – Tail Slammers

What, a fourth Skaven! Are they breading like rats or something (don’t answer that, silly question). This is the one with the theme tune isn’t it? I thought we got rid of musical rats when Spider-rat was crushed to death. There is only one song I want to hear when I think about Skaven and that is the funeral march.

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

#18 – Carter (Zombie) – The Innsmouth Shadows

Seriously, a Zombie? I know we are at the start of the season but this is the best the league can come up with? At least he / it is above all the Predator players. I don’t really know what to say about this one! Brains…?

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

(joint) #18 – Dec (Catcher) We Tree Fellows

Under normal circumstances being a catcher on an Elf team would make him an instant star. However as he has to carry the useless bunch of Elves calling themselves the Wee Tree Fellows around with him he is often hindered. He has upped his game though since his fellow Catcher was killed last season. I guess he runs so fast because he does not want to end up as another pile of mangled flesh and bones.

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

#20 – Sean Ogg (Blitzer) – Middenhein Manhunters

One of the more experienced players in the league is Sean Ogg. He has been around with the Manhunters since their inception. I must admit I was surprised to see his name on the roster when they announced their return as he suffered a rather serious leg injury a few season back and I imagined that we would have retired. He is either really brave or really stupid (and knowing the Manhunters I chose…).

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

#21 – Sam Vimes (Blitzer) – Middenhein Manhunters

Vimes is the Blitzer who thinks he is a catcher. Never before have I seen a Human Blitzer run around as much as him. He really should learn to let the catchers do their job. Regardless he is the second best Touchdown scorer on the Manhunters and critical to their success. It would be a shame if something would happen to him.

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

(joint) #21 – Jardell Slivering (Lineself) – The Loren Rangers

Silvering is the first of two Line Elfs on the list. I have gone over the stats and there is nothing particular that makes these guys stand out. I guess that they are on the list simply because they have been around long enough to simply be better then the rest by default. I am sure some Elf Fan will jump on here and correct me.

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

#23 – Kimo (Skink) – Teotigua Predators

I’m gonna get you little Skinks one of these days. I cannot remember if this is the one with that can move quicker then the others, or the one that likes to take on bigger opponents (which is most of the league). All these little Lizards make my head spin. Either way, they have a short life expectancy so he won’t be here next time.

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

(joint) #23 – Rikku (Skink) – Teotigua Predators

It’s like a two for one deal here! The name Rikku rings a bell here, I have possibly admired him at some point or something (don’t panic, it is for the lovely colour of his skin, it will make a fine pair of boots). If I knew more about these Skinks I could comment on their personalities but I hear they are not great talkers and just spit out their tongues at you (kind of like my ex wife “buh-dum”).

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

#25 – Hesley White (Lineself) – The Loren Rangers

Rounding up the top 25 is a simple Lineself. Hesley has managed to beat the odds and has now been Part of the Rangers for some time. Hanging in the number 25 slot makes him the number 1 contender for leaving the list. If he can get his game together then he has a chance of moving higher up the list before an up and coming player takes the glory away from him

  • Not yet ranked on the top players of all time list

Worn out now, going to have a beer! Feel free to mention me on your team sites!

I will recap on the list in a few months time to see how the players are progressing. Hopefully less Skaven and Elves.

-Gerhard

Gerhard: Open Scramble Predications

We are finally here at the start of the 2510/11 Season. I would say I am pleased to see so many familiar faces return but I can only stand two of them!
 
The draw and fixtures have been announced for this seasons competition so I imagine all the teams are lined up for the killing and winning that will occur over the next few weeks. We have three new races that we have not seen before in the HDWSBBL (Chaos Pact, Slann and *sniggers* Halflings).

With only one game against each opponent, we could be looking at a much smaller competition then some of the fans are used to. Hopefully the level of violence that we have come to expect will still be present.

At a first glance of the draw, it is a similar set up to last season. North Division contains the bulk of the returning teams and South Division is full of fresh faced hopefuls (and again, the Loren Rangers! I don’t know who they are sleeping with around here to get put in with all the new teams every season; I didn’t think we had any Gay Elves in the office around here – actually, are there any straight ones?).

I think the best way of doing this is to take a look at the Divisions and give my insightful observations.

North Division
The first this that jumps out of me is the paring of the Tail Slammers, the Innsmouth Shadows and the not-really-pro Elves again. I have a suspicion that this paring will have a further impact on the fragile mental state of poor JoJo (well, that and he is a necromantic who spent many years as a corpse). Hopefully his boys will put the other two in their place.

Two of the South Division rookies from last season have made the switch to North, the Cleavers (who are fighting for honour now) and the little dinos. I (really) hate to admit it but the Dinos are in a strong position and could be successful (unless I get to another one of their training sessions with my trusty musket).

The final two teams in North are the new Humans on the block, the Brewers, and Halflings. Someone is going to have a fun time tearing these apart. I will make sure I get my popcorn out.

South Division
So the Manhunters and the Rangers are back together? I do believe that a match between them will be the first time they have played each other since the very first season of the HDWSBBL! The Jackels are also back; hopefully they will finally find their form against the Manhunters and rip them apart. I am looking forward to seeing some Tomb Guardians at some point this season.

The other four teams are all new to me, we have some deranged thugs (with some VERY big friends), some grumpy Dwarves (are there any other type), some alien frogs and yet another Dark Elf team (wooo). I honestly have no idea how they will perform although we all know how destructive Dwarfs can be (I personally believe it is due to the fact that the only people who want to mate with them are Dwarf women, who have beards…shudder. That would make me want to break stuff). These unknown factors make it hard for me to make an informed decision but that hasn’t stopped me before!

Predictions
For this competition, the league has asked me to predict the final positions for all 14 teams! Never one to shy away from a challenge (unless it involves talking to Elves, Skaven, Lizardmen, Dwarves or the Manhunters) I will give it a shot. For North, I think a lot of it will depend on the opening game between the Shadow and the little dinos. I feel the winner of that match will take North! Come on Shadows! South is a little bit more open, I hate the fact that the Rangers will walk it although I do keep hearing wonderful things about the Slann. A very small part of me does want the Rangers to get to the top, only so they can enter the Championship V, win that and then finally fuck off for good. However we all know they would be back next season gloating (“look at us, we have won all three cups, aren’t we great elves”. “Watch our rubbish dance”, ”better then Velocity ever did” etc).

Anyway, here we go:

North Division
Winner: Innsmouth Shadows
Runner-Up: Little Dinos
3rd: Dirty Rats
4th: Cleavers
5th: not-really-pro Elves
6th: Squishy tribal people / Some Orcs lunch
7th: Brewers

South Division
Winner: The Bloody Rangers
Runner-Up: Alien frogs
3rd: Angry Dwarfs
4th: The new Dark Elves
5th: Damage Inc
6th: Jackles
7th: Manhunters

Overall winner of the league cup: The Rangers!

I feel dirty now. Where is my maiden to wash me…

– Gerhard