Category: Obituary

Obituary: Moist Von Lipwig, Blitzer for the Middenhein Manhunters

Season ten is the season of returning legacies. Some of the greatest teams who ever graced the Blood Bowl pitch came back for one last hurrah at more glory and to re-live memories. Sadly, however, the Middenhein Manhunters and their fans are morning the loss of one of the greats and leading lights for Human Blood Bowl players across the old world. In a disastrous incident with the opposing fans, which Lipwig found himself, he was brutally killed by them. A tragic and unfair way for one of the leagues legends to go.

Although he wasn’t on the radar as some of the other great players in the league, Moist Von Lipwig captivated the very essence of what it means to be a Blood Bowl player, and what a dam fine one he was at that. Whenever there was a great Manhunters victory (they were few and far between) you would bet your house that Lipwig would be on the score sheet one way or another. His most memorable moment of course was being the first player to score four touchdowns in a single match against league minnows, the Highland Nut Crushers.

At the time of writing this he was ranked #12 All-time best players in the leagues history. Although he lost his touch on his return, along with the team, he was still previously regarded as one of the best players in the league. Here is a look back at some of his achievements (at time of writing):

  • 12th All-Time Best Player in the Leagues history with 110 SSP
  • 9th All-Time Top Scorer with 24 Touchdowns
  • Debut in the 2506/07 season
  • One of the founding members of the Middenhein Manhunters
  • Awarded best player of the 2506/07 season
  • Twice awarded best player in two competitions
  • First player to score 4 touchdowns in match now commonly know as “a moist”
  • Scored two hat-tricks
  • Ranked #1 Human Blitzer of All-time in the leagues history.
  • Only missed two games in his career
  • Became a Super-Star and reached over 100 SSP’s

No comment has been made by the Manhunters but a memorial statue has been planned to be erected at the Middenhein Bowl where fans can come and pay their respects.

For completeness here are his full statistics:

Pld TD CAS COMP INT MVP SPP
44 24 4 3 1 5 110

RIP Moist 2475 – 2515

Lord Havlock dead and other news

Dedmens Linearm here with a breaking story that will rock the HDWSBBL!

 

Lord Havlock, former coach of the Manhunters, is dead.  I have been at the scene all day and night with the latest reports indicating that his untimely death, caused by a runaway lemon cart, is murder.   Blood Bowl officials, City Watchmen and Nuffles sacred game wizards have been searching for a small fat man carrying a broom and a spanner, wearing a blue cap and some dungerees who was seen running from the incident.  Officials have said if anyone has seen an individual please stay away from him for your safety as this man has been described as offensive to ears, eyes and noses of the public.

 

In other news :  Freshly zombified coach Arcani Spark was seen leaving the “Gory Gutripper Tavern” in early hours of the morning clutching 3 severed heads.  Rumours are that he is using them to keep his own grey matter going whilst trying to coach the team!

And finally: Bret Heartbreaker, coach of the Har Ganeth Heartbreakers, was called to the Witch Elf council after the loss to the All Sparks.  No one knows what has happened in the meeting but Heartbreaker was said to have come out shaking, white, walking like he’d rode a horse for 4 days and holding his rump.  I’d suggest he’d better not lose again or Nuffle knows what will happen to him.

 

This is Deds Linearm for Warzone.

Gerhard: Crash and burn, a look back at RSV

Oh Yes, citizens of the old world rejoice because I am back. It has been far too long since I have let my voice be heard around here. Since the end of the season I have been sunning it up in Lustria hunting tiny Dinosaurs to put on my mantle. I got a good haul and hopefully I managed to get one or two of the Preadators players, wives or similar.

Anyway, it has recently been announced the RSV have disbanded while their future is assessed. I thought it fitting that I, a totally impartial witness to their story, should give them the send off they deserve.

Once upon a time when I still had colour in my hair and I didn’t hate Elves as much, the traitorous bastards RSV where formed by myself and introduced to the HDWSBBL. Of course, my involvement with the team goes way further back then that and is documented elsewhere. Their first season in the league was glorious, apart from a minor speed bump we managed to lay waste to everyone else and where crowned the inaugural HDWSBBL Champions.

From there on we went from strength to strength and took on all comers. I was praised from all corners of the world and all was happy. At some point though that changed. The RSV fans (who are not the most educated lot at the best of times) decided that I was too old to run the team and where dissatisfied with a lack of new Championship Cups on display (despite the fact we had more Cups then most of the teams in the HDWSBBL at the time, not to mention records all over the place).

I challenged the team that if they didn’t win anything in our third season, I would fire the lot of them (I got my motivational skills from an Orc Coach I knew once; he had a habit of feeding his teams to trolls as an incentive not to lose). To cut to the point, we managed to break several records that season but came home with no new Championship Cups. The “management” decided that I was too unpredictable and decided to fire me instead of punishing the useless overpaid stars on the team.

That was their biggest mistake. As much as I like their current coach Snider (I did after all scout him when he was a young man) the team could just not cut it. Despite my frequent attempts at giving them helpful suggestions they plummeted into a downward spiral from which they never recovered. As last season progressed their fan base grew smaller and angrier as the losses began to pile up. The team had so much talent but could not pull it together.

As we all know by now the teams last match was a defeat by the Tail Slammers who we had defeated 7-1 only a season earlier (which I was the coach for). As the final moments of the clock ran down, the remaining fans finally snapped and stormed the pitch, trashing the stadium, the players and generally being loudmouthed sods (not much different from normal then). Both teams where “lucky” to make it out alive. It is typical though, even the fans couldn’t kill a single bloody Rat (although to be fair, I would not want to touch one of them with a barge pole. Imagine the diseases you would catch). RSV have not reported any fatalities from the incident but I can imagine they where a bit sore for a few weeks afterwards.

I hope that if the team ever decides to re-form, they try to remember who their greatest Head coach was. I must admit to feeling a little smug about the whole situation. I guess the sales of my patent pending “What would Gerhard do?” bracelets and t-shirts will sky rocket (available at all good outlets. If they don’t have them for sale, let me know so I can have a “friendly” word with the manager). For one thing it did lead to my current job which allows the whole league and beyond to learn the lesson that Gerhard always knows best.

So goodbye you useless sods. I am sure that I will see you again sometime (probably in Hell). I hope someone regrets firing me. I can guarantee that if I was still in charge this would never have happened.

RIP RSV: 2506 – 2610

-Gerhard

Obituary: Lashiform, Rat Ogre for the Tail Slammers

Normally, we reserve high profile obituaries for players ranked in the top 25 players list. However, a death last night sent shockwaves through the league as all in attendance gathered round in shock and awe.

Last night in the Tail Slammers North Division game against the Drackwald Deadheads, Lashiform, the Tail Slammers resident Rat Ogre and (surprisingly) team Captain was shoved into the crowd where he was torn apart by rabid fans. The image of Lashiform swinging around, killing scores of fans while they slowly swarmed him will haunt us for some time (or until the next death comes along).

In his 16 game careers, Lashiform has been an interesting player to watch. While the rest of the Slammers have been killed off around him, Lasiform has gotten stronger and stronger. His unique skill choices such as Jump Up and break tackle have allowed him to harass the strongest of defences even when they thought they had just taken him down.

In terms of performance, Lashiform is one of the few players in the leagues history to cause 10 casualties (not including fans) and has killed another player once. From his humble beginnings in a Skaven Laboratory to his ultimate demise at the people who adored him, Lashiform has proven that not all Rat Ogres are bumbling, slow and useless (although he still managed to get himself sent off a few times for fouling…in front of the ref). Now for some facts (as always, figures are correct at the time of death)

  • One of the original Tail Slammers, debuting in the 2508/09 Season.
  • He was the 5th ranked active top casualty causer (and 5th of all time).
  • He was the 3rd top casualty causer of the season so far (2nd for the Open Scramble 2509/10 and 7th for the Pepslay Challenge 2509/10).

So far, the Slammers have confirmed that they will be hiring a new Rat Ogre shortly. No word on a name or who will become the new team Captain.

RIP Lashiform

Obituary: Elison Crownstar, Catcher for the Loren rangers

It is with a heavy heart here in the HDWSBBL offices that we have to report the death of The Loren Rangers star catcher, Elison Crownstar.

During one of the bloodiest nights in HDWSBBL history, Crownstars reign as the best player the league has ever seen came to an end! It was during the Rangers 7-0 Victory against The Man Eaters when this occurred. During a match, which had already seen four other Rangers maimed or killed, Crownstar was brought to the ground by a pack of Snotlings. They then proceeded to jump on him until his team mates could get them off. Officials are currently reviewing the footage to determine which Snotling fouled him to death. Update – It was the Snotling called Dim!

At the time of his passing, Crownstar was recognised as the best player that the HDWSBBL has ever seen. For three and a bit seasons, he has defined the standard of what a Super Star is. We can only imagine how high he would have set the bar for greatness should he have continued playing.

Below are some facts and figures from this young elves amazing career. All stats are correct at time of Death.

  • Top player in the leagues history with 128 SPP (that’s 4.3 SPP per game and 2.3% of the leagues total)
  • Top scorer in the leagues history with 36 Touchdowns (that’s 1.2 TDs per game and 5.3% of the leagues total)
  • Debuted at the start of the 2506/07 season.
  • One of the founding 11 of The Loren Rangers.
  • Was part of the team that won the Open Scramble 2506/07.
  • Was part of the team that went to the XLVII Blood Bowl Tournament.
  • Scored the most TDs in the 2506/07 season.
  • Scored the most TDs in the Open Scramble 2507/08.
  • Was awarded with the best player award in the Championship I.
  • Was the first player to become a Star Player and a Emerging Star.
  • Was the first player in the league to reach 100 SPP.
  • Was the first player to score 20 Touchdowns and then the first to score 30.
  • Has scored an amazing five hat tricks in his career
  • Was the top scorer for the Loren Rangers
  • Only missed two games in his career
  • With the Loren Rangers, he qualified for a HDWSBBL Championship Tournament three times (I, II and III) and was runner up in the Open Scramble 2507/08

In addition to the above, Crownstar will be remembered for his spectacular plays on the pitch and the season defining race to be the top player with Manhunter Blitzer Moist Von Lipwig. It is safe to say that he is the best player the league has seen that has not won a player of the season award.

If you wish to pay your respects, a shire has been created by fans at The Loren Riverdome and the HDWSBBL has already received petitions to create a Hall of Fame for the single reason that Corwnstar can be indicted.

So far, no official comment has been made by the Rangers. After the match, the usually talkative Jordan Hawk had nothing to say as he left the area.

For completeness, his full statistics are below.

Pld TD CAS COMP INT MVP SPP
31 36 1 3 0 3 128

RIP Crownstar. 2484-2509

Obituary – Jansen Ornoff, Linesman of RSV

The breaking news of the weekend is that long time player of the HDWSBBL, Jansen Ornoff was killed during the defeat of RSV by the Valhallen Vixens. This was the first death that RSV had ever received in over three seasons of active competition here in the HDWSBBL.

The official RSV site has put up a in depth look at Ornoffs career but we thought we would highlight his HDWSBBL career and see why this is an important event.

  • Jansen was making his 25th HDWSBBL appearance for the team, meaning that he had taken part in every game since the team’s inception.
  • Jansen was part of the HDWSBBL Championship Cup, winning team.
  • Jansen was the team Captain between the 2506/07 and 2507/08 Seasons. He handed the Captaincy over to Kaminsky Mitbrott at the start of the 2507/08 Season to focus on his kicking ability.
  • To date, Jansen is the only member of RSV to have scored a Touchdown, caused a Casualty, made an Interception and made an accurate pass. In addition to this he had recorded numerous MVPs.
  • Jansen took part in the very first match in HDWSBBL history, scoring a Touchdown, making an accurate pass and being the fist player to be appointed Most Valuable Player.
  • With 56 Stat Player Points, Jansen was the highest ranked Linesman of all time in the HDWSBBL.
  • At the time of his death he was the 7th best player in the HDWSBBL overall (9th best of all time).
  • Jansen had the best passing record of any Linesman in the HDWSBBL with 15 Completions. This ranked him as the 5th best active thrower in the league (10th best of all time).
  • Jansen is recognised as the top interceptor in the leagues history with 3 career interceptions.
  • He was awarded the Top Interceptor of the season twice for the 2506/07 and 2508/09 Seasons. He also picked up the award for most Interceptions in a competition twice for the Championship I and the ZombWay Cup 2508/09
  • With 6 MVP awards, Jansen is the Leagues recognised Most Valuable Player.

Of course, Ornoff was not the only death this week. After the first week of this new season, the more blood thirsty fans were starting to get a little worried. However they can now be satisfied as the casualties have started to roll in. Full coverage will be provided in this weeks WarZone summary in a few days.